I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I wish i was in the wii world.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
