Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
whose parrot is this?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
