i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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