She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
