My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
