Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
