matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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