i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
