youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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