I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
