Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
