Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
