Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I can't turn off my feet"
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
