in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
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