So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
