well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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