You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
