I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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