Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
