the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
