I smell stomach acid.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
