You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
