I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
