I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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