There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
