I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
