Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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