I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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