He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
