my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
