If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
