They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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