You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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