3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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