I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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