He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
