I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
