Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
The maid of honor just puked.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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