I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Randomize
