I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
