lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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