Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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