Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Your cock deserves a montage
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
