Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
