you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Randomize
