my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
