I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
