I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
My balls are so social today.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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