Please, let me fuck your mom
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
