I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
