Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
