i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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