hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
