So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
