and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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