So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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