Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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