I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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