Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
