i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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