I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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