Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
