I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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