I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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