im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
